And yet all I could do was cry…
You don’t have any idea how terrible I feel.
We spoke for the first time in almost 2 months and we were still able to connect and vibe with each other as if we never stopped talking. asfjgnajksghasaoifdgbiuawfjsgks i don’t fucking know ugh sdajkasjghbaisf
Today, I found out that you were talking to one of my sisters and told her that you thought I wanted you as my big bro and you would have been down and was confused since I picked up a big bro the weekend before at your birthday rager.
I love my big bro, no doubt. Even though we were wasted when we became bignlil, I don’t really have that many regrets. He’s really the greatest, but it would’ve been nice to know my options before I made a move. You both were my first choices and I was stupid to not say anything to either of you and just go with the flow. I didn’t really talk to you a lot cause you were always busy talking to other people or locked up in your room and whatnot and my big bro and I talked a lot-ish so we got to know each other over time.
If only you’d initiated something for hinted to me that you were down. I actually did want you as my big yet I was too scared to say anything cause I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I was 100% sure that I wanted you. I admit, that’s one thing I definitely regret.
I don’t know if I should tell you about how I feel/felt about wanting you as my big because I don’t know how you would react. You would either tell some of the snus or agree not to say anything. It could be a bad reaction or a good reaction , it’s really a 50-50% chance thing..
Should I tell you this Saturday at your party…?
It’s hard for me to pick even though I sort of know which one I should pick. I know I just wanna have fun right now and I guess I just put that before anything else right now.
Today, I helped phyllicia paint the letters from 5-12pm. We went to the SRC lawn to check in for day one of GREEK WEEK! Once we checked in, we just went back to the house to continue painting. Around 9pm, Preston, Lizette, and I went to In N Out for a quick dinner and at midnight, I headed to the Den cause my big bro called me about 5 times in the span of 30 minutes to hurry up and come. I get to the house and he’s already passed out on Bryan’s bed. I go to him and take care of him and feed him water and whatnot. Once he’s sound asleep on the couch, I go to the garage to smoke my cigarettes and wait for Britton so I can roll a blunt for everyone to smoke. I roll the blunt in Britton’s room but that’s when everyone decides to come into the room and just spectate while I’m doing my job. I remember Jordan saying it would be badass if I just rolled blunts for a clinic and I totally agree, that would be so fucking dope and I would not mind at all since I’ve been rolling them for so fucking long. Once I’m done, I light it and we smoke it. It hit pretty nicely and got everybody sufficiently faded. We continue to just talk in the room and I decide I want to leave with Yasmin. It’s 5am right now and as we walk out we say bye to Britton, and both Jordans. Because of me, we leave at 6am and take Reef to buy cigarettes, then take him home. After we take him home, we go back to the dorms. Right now, it’s 7:22AM and I am fucking tired but I can’t sleep at the same time.. We’ll see what happens.
Tonight/This morning was pretty fucking dope.
I’m gonna save up as much as I can for my next tattoo. Hopefully I can get it over Spring Break.
You’re the one that cut me the fuck off. You’re the one that talked so much shit. Don’t fucking go and talk to my closest friends as if nothing fucking changed. You cut me off, they’re immediately out of the picture for you too. You know how I am with my friends. Leave them the fuck alone you fucking shithead.
And to think I cried over you tonight for the first time in a while because I felt like I let go of something great. No.
I was talking to my friend and I remember saying “holy shit you saw me without makeup its fucking horrible” as a joke. ok, AS A JOKE.
And he decided to just laugh in agreement. ):
Like, ok, I know I look extremely different without makeup but damn way to be harsh…
And now this bullshit I’m hearing from my twin…
The news you gave me hit me so hard. I didn’t think it would be that bad when I received it but it was like a punch to the face. It doesn’t matter what your decision is, know that I love you so much. So so so much. Nothing’s going to change. I promise. I promise. I promise. I don’t know what to do. You’re like the older sister I never had and always wanted. You give me the best advice and I mean it this time cause you actually know what I’m going through and you know exactly what to say to help me realize my mistakes. You always take care of me when I’m too drunk or too high. I remember that one time you came out with Big and I to the Den and you made me chug that Sky Vodka I was drinking when I was already halfway through with it. I got so drunk within the next 5 minutes and you pointed out all the things I do when I get drunk. You called me out on it and you knew! You rarely saw me drunk, but it was as if you were always there. It was so accurate and hilarious how you knew me so well. We were meant to be twins. We were fated to meet and I’m so glad we did on the second day of recruitment. First recruitment, then ZTA, then zesties, and now we share a big and are able to call each other twin. We’ve come a long way together. Who cares if we have a 4 year gap between us? We’re two peas in a motherfucking pod. I will never stop calling you twin even though you drop. I’ll never find someone like you, you’re the greatest, sweetest, caring, funniest, nicest, most understanding person I will ever meet and I don’t ever want to lose you. This isn’t the end. I promise. I will always be here. Always.
your favorite, absolute fabulous, loving twin xoxoxoxoxoxo
p.s. I read this and immediately thought of us. The negative parts aren’t relevant, but everything else…. On point.
Why do I always play horrifying scenarios in my head?
From me shooting and killing people from my past to getting beat by my dad to blocking my mom from being shot to cutting myself due to daily beatings to so much more.. Where do I come up with all this? I don’t know where to channel all these feelings.. I never told anyone about these thoughts. This is the first time I’ve ever made these thoughts known outside of my mind. I’m afraid of being pushed away. I’m afraid nobody will help me. I don’t feel like myself. Maybe that’s why I started smoking cigarettes again…. I was clean off cigarettes for almost a month again..
Am I insane….?
We had our mixer with ΣΝ at boomers in Irvine tonight! Zest and I went there by car and got there by 8ish. Once we got on the golf course, he attacked me!😂 Then of course, Phyllicia left us alone and we fucked around the whole time while we were golfing. That was pretty funny since he was so crossed!😂 After a couple hours, the mixer was over and we were heading to the den! But of course, him, Preston, and Britton had to get in Phyllicia’s car with us. The ride back was fun and I smoked out whoever wanted to smoke at the den. Britton actually passed cause he was so drunk! I only stayed high for a couple hours but it was a good couple of hours. Then by 11, I decided to go home since Mother Nature was calling..😒 Overall, it was a good night haha
I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m aggravated. I’m lonely. I’m confused. I’m unsure. I’m so many different things. My emotions are all over the place, and it’s not even that time of the month. I mean, I’m still so happy that I got a big bro and got closer to many people and party but this is almost always in the back of my mind. I don’t think about this as much as I used to, but I definitely think about it still. Like, what would’ve happened if I never went to Big Bear? Or what could’ve happened if I held my tongue a little longer? Or what should’ve happened because I said the things I said.
Maybe it’s because it’s early in the morning that I feel like this. That’s probably the reason why I’m thinking so much right now. Maybe it’s because I subconsciously feel some way about this and don’t know it.
So earlier tonight, my roommate and I went to brush our teeth. We ran into our future roommate, Lauren. It was normal and whatever and we finished washing up before going to bed…… Then I wiped my eye with my shirt and I don’t wear a bra when I sleep and my roommate suddenly looked really shocked and embarrassed. (keep in mind, she’s like the most innocent, sweetest, kindest, most naive girl you will ever meet) So, I was like what. and she was like i saw your boob. and I’m just like NO NIPPLE RIGHT. and she just looked into space all awkwardly and wouldn’t talk. and yeah.
So.. That’s the story of how my roommate accidentally saw my right nipple